Live and Let Love

Is it true, that if your heart still belongs to another you will only attract those whose hearts belong to others?

An interesting question/thought process posed by Tristan this morning. Neither of us is entirely convinced this is 100% accurate, but there must be some truth to the matter. If you are unwilling to relinquish your heart of the love and emotions and ties it holds to another, then how can you truly let yourself love and be loved properly by someone else?

This is too easily said, not so easily done. The heart wants what the heart wants, no matter what the head tries to tell it to do. There are no forces greater in this world than the deepest emotions we feel, especially towards those we have formed such intense and seemingly unbreakable bonds with.

But sometimes there comes a point in our lives where those bonds are broken, the ties come undone, the heart cracks a little more. We must gather ourselves up, collect our pieces off the floor, and learn how to carry on. And eventually over time, for some the time is brief for others long and painful, we all heal. The cracks in our hearts fill with the love for and from others and it strengthens our souls.

So I ask, how do you assure your heart that it's safe to let go? That it only cracks it bit by bit to hold on. That there are others who can lift you up and fulfill you and love you intensely.

How do you reclaim your heart?

Manifesting My Destiny

I have spent a lot of time sending out resumes. To the point where it has become ever-consuming and overwhelming at times. I have found myself not remembering where I've applied, to what position I've applied, and when I've applied to said position and organization. I know I am not the only one doing this, but I have come to a realization this week that this just can't be the way to exist.

I had an amazing interview a couple weeks ago for a position I truly wanted, with an organization I felt I would have melded very well with, and was let down two days later because the job was offered (and accepted) by another candidate. I bawled. Cried for about 15 minutes. Less because I was devastated that I didn't get the job, more because I was so frustrated at the prospect of starting over. I had completely psyched myself out, felt SO confident, thought about the incoming phone call all day.

But I never saw the end result. I never saw myself sitting in my new office, working on my new projects, looking out my new window, becoming part of my new team. I did not manifest myself.

This is something interesting, and nothing new, that a coworker of mine brought to my attention this week. She said that she often thinks if she were dead and looking over from the other side, would she be happy with her choices or regret the path she took. And what is stopping her from taking the path that she wants to be on? The answer is nothing. WE are stopping ourselves. We use statements that are barriers in our minds and we have a tendency to live so much in the future that we forget about our present.. using statements such as "When this happens, then I can do this." All of these things prevent us from creating the path that we truly want to be on. Rather, you need to manifest. See, hear, touch, taste, smell, be where you want to be. Live positively and know that all things are possible.

I thought this was incredibly interesting and wonderful advice. A good way to restructure thinking. I think the way this is meant to be used is practically in order to accomplish your goals, not necessarily to win the lottery.

So here I am, two days out of a wonderful interview with an amazing organization. I feel no nervousness, no jitters, no anxiety about my pending phone call. Instead, I can envision myself sitting in my new office with finished concrete floors, my artwork on the walls, looking out my glass door.. taking on my new projects, interacting with my new boss and coworkers, and being challenged in my new position.

Whether or not I am offered this position is still unknown. But I am at peace with the present, finally. And I can accept, without frustration, the end result.

Stress

I'm a very stress free person. This wasn't always the case, as in my youth I became stressed over many little things. Little, inconsequential situations that wouldn't make one bit of difference in my life the next day, or the next week, or month. Then, during my junior year of High School, I had an epiphany after a particularly stressful day in my pre-calc class. I remember walking out of class, standing there for a moment, and thinking to myself, "You know what? It doesn't matter." It was literally like I flipped a switch - an awakening, if you will - and since that moment very few things bother me to the point where I would consider them stressful.

That is why the last week or so has been quite out of the ordinary. I've actually been feeling a large amount (for me) of stress lately. The usual culprit, the search for love, is there more so than usual. I should point out that this is really the only thing I ever tend to stress over; And damn, I swear it seems my lack of stress in other areas just accumulates in this area. It can get very overwhelming. But I digress...

Financing this whole trying-to-buy-a-house thing, and realizing just how many little fees and expenditures are involved is pretty scary when you have a limited bank account. Don't get me wrong, I'll figure out how to get it all done, by hook or by crook (well, not by crook), but it's still going to be a pretty large source of stress until it's all settled.

In addition, the deadline to apply to the grad school program I'm interested in is rapidly approaching. Yet, my motivation to get everything together is sorely lacking. I suppose the building stress of this is my own fault, but that doesn't change the fact that it has been weighing on me more and more.

My natural optimism is keeping the stress down and I know everything is going to work out. It always does, whether I have to make it happen myself or there's natural resolution. I still can't help but feel encumbered by this recent onslaught though. I don't like it! How do people who are constantly stressed out about everything manage to function? That is no way to live!

So... After typing all that, I realize this post probably wasn't very interesting to read. I humbly apologize, and promise to write a short but riveting adventure story next time. It may or may not involve dragons and invaders from outer space. Until then...

Mascara Massacre

I'm sure Tristan can totally relate on this topic: Mascara Woes. I use the waterproof variety to avoid these sorts of situations, and yet somehow something always goes awry.

The first issue, sneezing when applying. I'll be damned if I don't go at least one day a week where I don't sneeze uncontrollably during mascara application thus leading to me looking something similar to a dalmatian. How does one solve this problem? Sneeze with your eyes open? Physically impossible, although fun to try. Say the words "peanut butter"? Not scientifically proven and definitely makes me hungry for some peanut butter and bananas on toast. Push that little sneeze relieving nerve under your nose above your lips? Practical, but not probable because you have a mascara wand in your hand, so it's going to end up smeared somewhere on your face.. plus, you're likely too late to catch that thing anyway. The only answer is to let it blow and clean up the splotchy sneeze aftermath. I still haven't figured out the most elegant way of going about doing so.. hm.

Second issue, humidity and precipitation. It is almost impossible to remain sexy when it is over 50% humidity and your mascara melds into your eyeliner and they both start to take a migratory trip down your cheek bones. Unless you are a super model posing for skimpy lingerie, this look is NOT working for you! As I have already mentioned, I wear waterproof. Mainly because I tend to have some oils in my skin that delight in emerging and taking over my makeup, but also because on those rare monsoon filled nights, I refuse to go the way of the cracked out raccoon. The same scenario plays out when in pools and showers. Here is what I have learned: skip the eyeliner, go for the waterproof mascara, and dammit, don't rub your eyes.

My last issue, bedroom eyes. I think this falls in a similar line with the afore mentioned humidity and precipitation problem. Here's how this plays out: you're with your man, you look sexy, you get tossed around, sweat happens, etc etc. Eventually you stumble to the restroom and WHOA! you look like you just got dragged under the bus. While I'm in the moment, I could care less what I look like, but after the fact I hate that at some point I started going from sexy and put together to horrifyingly messy. This one I haven't come up with any solutions to. I am not one to stop in the heat of the moment to say, "hang on, let me go remove my make up". And something tells me no man really cares if your eyes are a little smudgy.. that's not why he's with you.

Sigh. What women go through for long, luscious, full, thick, plump, voluminous lashes. (o;

In case you were wondering...

...this blog is named "The Alpaca Saga" simply because we enjoy Alpacas and we're weird.

Oh, hello

I'm pretty much in the same boat as Kristen. Our situations are very different, but the same sort of slight mental panic is definitely there. The fact that I just turned 29 and thus have less than a year until I roll into the fourth decade of my life is even more alarming!

I started at a great job right after graduation and have been there for over four years now. Great, at least, from a fresh graduate starter job standpoint. I know it's certainly not what I want to do long term. The question then becomes, what do I want to do? Answer: I do not know. I have a vague idea, but how exactly to get there is a thought I ruminate on daily. Do I go back to school? Do I give up a good, stable job, for one that might not be stable at all, and risk possible unemployment down the road? Oh, that's another thing... Needing to keep a paycheck coming in. Annoying, isn't it? There is a certain level of income I must keep, and it's not a trivial level. I have a lot of bills to pay and a quality of life level I'd like to keep, so I can't just take on any job even if it seems like it would be something I'd love to do. I could ramble on about this incessantly!

On top of that, I'm trying to buy a home, which is a process in itself. And so far, a very long process at that. Fortunately, that will present a form of stability from a life of apartment renting - assuming I ever am able to work out a deal. To be continued on this one...

Hmm, what else? Ah yes, the big one! The relationship situation. I think Kristen could tell you that I have several volumes of material to write on this topic, so I'll try to sum it up in one sentence: It sure would be nice to not have to go on another first date. Surprise, surprise, the stability theme we've got going here strikes again.

So here I am, less than a year from age 30, and I am seemingly not very far removed from the issues a 21 or 22 year old would face. I won't go as far as Kristen did and say that I had a grand plan of perfection to follow, because I didn't. I did think I would be a bit further along than this though, in the respect that I figured I'd probably be in a solid relationship, have a solid career direction, and ultimately be progressing steadily towards some version of that cliche of an American Dream we all are brought up to know as kids. Don't get me wrong, I do think I'm making progress. I just feel like instead of a somewhat straight line of progression, I'm zigging and zagging all over the place as I move forward at a snails pace.

Okay, maybe not a snail, but at the most a desert tortoise. Tortoise are much more endearing than snails.

Cheers!