I protest!

Kind of. Not really. But I do vehemently disagree with a point Kristen made in her last blog: If you're married, engaged, have a girlfriend, dating someone, sleeping with someone, "talking" to someone, or still in love with another woman.. you are not 100% single.

The last part is what I don't agree with, the "still in love with another woman" part. I consider myself to be 100% single at the moment. In fact, right now I'm as unattached as I ever am. But I fully admit that part of me is still in love with my ex. From literally the first date, it was the most impassioned, intense, devoted, loving relationship I've been a part of, by far. A guy like me just doesn't get over that sort of relationship. That is, I won't get over it until the next amazing relationship comes along. I know that my ex will hold a piece of my heart until I develop that sort of loving, passionate relationship with another. That is simply the only way it will happen for a guy like me. I live my life for THAT relationship with those emotions, feelings, mutual devotion, and love.

However, don't think for a second that I'm hung up on my ex and not able to give myself fully to another girl. I am 100% ready, willing, able, and eager to present my heart up on a silver platter for someone very special. She just has to present herself as well.

Perhaps I'm just a different kind of guy. In fact, I know I'm a different kind of guy, as I get told that rather often by those women who get to know me and what I'm all about. This is yet another example of how there really is no roadmap to follow in love and relationships. You can form as many opinions and "know" as many facts as you want, but in reality every situation is different. There is very little black and white; just a large sea of gray that you have to navigate your own way, the best you can.

Enough philosophy. So, illustrious followers of this blog (all four of you)... What do you think?

I'll Be Your Wifey

Newsflash, gentlemen: I am a Mrs., not a mistress.

I have zero interest in men who are not 100% single and (sorry daddy's) without kiddos. If you're married, engaged, have a girlfriend, dating someone, sleeping with someone, "talking" to someone, or still in love with another woman.. you are not 100% single and I literally have no interest in you beyond being your friend.
(Which, side note, I am super good at because 98% of my man friends are not single and this is getting borderline absurd.)

I bring this up for a handful of reasons, not all of which I'm comfortable with sharing, but I will indulge you with the latest. I was out this weekend with a group of friends, two couples and the brother of one of the guys. Said brother is engaged to an apparently evil woman who is hated by all, loved by none. As the only single girl around, I was basically the bait, being tossed at the brother in an attempt to lure him away from this evil woman. Okay, I know most of this was all in fun and I can totally go along with it, BUT I am not a home wrecker. I think it goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, no luring occurred. I might flirt, but I flirt with everyone. Literally. Everyone. Women, men, young, old. That's just my nature. (maybe that's the issue..)

What bothers me a little bit here is that this clearly is not the first time something along these lines has taken place.

So it kind of gets me to thinking, am I being viewed in a negative way that I really, truly, most definitely do NOT want to be viewed? If so, why? What vibes am I giving off? How are people perceiving me? How are men perceiving me? I know that I am wife material (my future hubs is going to be so lucky!), so where is this getting lost in translation?

I'm not offended, yet. But I'm starting to get worried that I've taken on the motto "I'm a Mrs., not a mistress".. uhhh.

Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right

I think the most upsetting thing I've been told lately is that there is something wrong with me, and that is why my relationship ended. "You are a very independent person. You are. And when a girl is too independent, guys wonder why she's even with him in the first place."

For the record, I am a fairly independent individual. I have changed my own tire, put together my own furniture, fixed my own toilet, put up new racks in my closet, and learned how to install dry-wall.. because any realistic woman knows that there's not always a man around to do these things for her. I don't always take on things on my own, and I sure as hell ask for help when I need it.

Tristan assured me it's a question of emotional independence. A woman who prides herself on being able to be emotionally detached and not needing a man vs a woman who can go out and have fun with her friends and be away from her mate. One woman is completely and utterly independent while the other still looks forward to seeing her significant other tomorrow. I am NOT exhibit A.

No matter which woman I am, it truly wouldn't matter. I realized talking to both Tristan and my other guy friend (who unknowingly hurt my feelings) that we all want something different. This seems obvious, but when you are in the trenches of love, the obvious becomes muddled. We become confused, fly crooked, and seek all the help we can get.

As someone who has recently re-embraced my sexy life the way it is, in the present, I can go forward with confidence knowing who I am, what I want, and what I don't want. To supplement that, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is nothing wrong with me.

I am an independent woman. I loathe "good morning" text messages. I sing off key wherever I damn well please. I don't like to cook, but I get excited to try new recipes. And I am not a movie person.

These are all things about me that will never change, and I am okay with that. And there is someone out there who will be okay with all those things too. Because it's not a matter of there being something wrong with me, but finding someone who is right for me.

Live and Let Love

Is it true, that if your heart still belongs to another you will only attract those whose hearts belong to others?

An interesting question/thought process posed by Tristan this morning. Neither of us is entirely convinced this is 100% accurate, but there must be some truth to the matter. If you are unwilling to relinquish your heart of the love and emotions and ties it holds to another, then how can you truly let yourself love and be loved properly by someone else?

This is too easily said, not so easily done. The heart wants what the heart wants, no matter what the head tries to tell it to do. There are no forces greater in this world than the deepest emotions we feel, especially towards those we have formed such intense and seemingly unbreakable bonds with.

But sometimes there comes a point in our lives where those bonds are broken, the ties come undone, the heart cracks a little more. We must gather ourselves up, collect our pieces off the floor, and learn how to carry on. And eventually over time, for some the time is brief for others long and painful, we all heal. The cracks in our hearts fill with the love for and from others and it strengthens our souls.

So I ask, how do you assure your heart that it's safe to let go? That it only cracks it bit by bit to hold on. That there are others who can lift you up and fulfill you and love you intensely.

How do you reclaim your heart?

Manifesting My Destiny

I have spent a lot of time sending out resumes. To the point where it has become ever-consuming and overwhelming at times. I have found myself not remembering where I've applied, to what position I've applied, and when I've applied to said position and organization. I know I am not the only one doing this, but I have come to a realization this week that this just can't be the way to exist.

I had an amazing interview a couple weeks ago for a position I truly wanted, with an organization I felt I would have melded very well with, and was let down two days later because the job was offered (and accepted) by another candidate. I bawled. Cried for about 15 minutes. Less because I was devastated that I didn't get the job, more because I was so frustrated at the prospect of starting over. I had completely psyched myself out, felt SO confident, thought about the incoming phone call all day.

But I never saw the end result. I never saw myself sitting in my new office, working on my new projects, looking out my new window, becoming part of my new team. I did not manifest myself.

This is something interesting, and nothing new, that a coworker of mine brought to my attention this week. She said that she often thinks if she were dead and looking over from the other side, would she be happy with her choices or regret the path she took. And what is stopping her from taking the path that she wants to be on? The answer is nothing. WE are stopping ourselves. We use statements that are barriers in our minds and we have a tendency to live so much in the future that we forget about our present.. using statements such as "When this happens, then I can do this." All of these things prevent us from creating the path that we truly want to be on. Rather, you need to manifest. See, hear, touch, taste, smell, be where you want to be. Live positively and know that all things are possible.

I thought this was incredibly interesting and wonderful advice. A good way to restructure thinking. I think the way this is meant to be used is practically in order to accomplish your goals, not necessarily to win the lottery.

So here I am, two days out of a wonderful interview with an amazing organization. I feel no nervousness, no jitters, no anxiety about my pending phone call. Instead, I can envision myself sitting in my new office with finished concrete floors, my artwork on the walls, looking out my glass door.. taking on my new projects, interacting with my new boss and coworkers, and being challenged in my new position.

Whether or not I am offered this position is still unknown. But I am at peace with the present, finally. And I can accept, without frustration, the end result.

Stress

I'm a very stress free person. This wasn't always the case, as in my youth I became stressed over many little things. Little, inconsequential situations that wouldn't make one bit of difference in my life the next day, or the next week, or month. Then, during my junior year of High School, I had an epiphany after a particularly stressful day in my pre-calc class. I remember walking out of class, standing there for a moment, and thinking to myself, "You know what? It doesn't matter." It was literally like I flipped a switch - an awakening, if you will - and since that moment very few things bother me to the point where I would consider them stressful.

That is why the last week or so has been quite out of the ordinary. I've actually been feeling a large amount (for me) of stress lately. The usual culprit, the search for love, is there more so than usual. I should point out that this is really the only thing I ever tend to stress over; And damn, I swear it seems my lack of stress in other areas just accumulates in this area. It can get very overwhelming. But I digress...

Financing this whole trying-to-buy-a-house thing, and realizing just how many little fees and expenditures are involved is pretty scary when you have a limited bank account. Don't get me wrong, I'll figure out how to get it all done, by hook or by crook (well, not by crook), but it's still going to be a pretty large source of stress until it's all settled.

In addition, the deadline to apply to the grad school program I'm interested in is rapidly approaching. Yet, my motivation to get everything together is sorely lacking. I suppose the building stress of this is my own fault, but that doesn't change the fact that it has been weighing on me more and more.

My natural optimism is keeping the stress down and I know everything is going to work out. It always does, whether I have to make it happen myself or there's natural resolution. I still can't help but feel encumbered by this recent onslaught though. I don't like it! How do people who are constantly stressed out about everything manage to function? That is no way to live!

So... After typing all that, I realize this post probably wasn't very interesting to read. I humbly apologize, and promise to write a short but riveting adventure story next time. It may or may not involve dragons and invaders from outer space. Until then...

Mascara Massacre

I'm sure Tristan can totally relate on this topic: Mascara Woes. I use the waterproof variety to avoid these sorts of situations, and yet somehow something always goes awry.

The first issue, sneezing when applying. I'll be damned if I don't go at least one day a week where I don't sneeze uncontrollably during mascara application thus leading to me looking something similar to a dalmatian. How does one solve this problem? Sneeze with your eyes open? Physically impossible, although fun to try. Say the words "peanut butter"? Not scientifically proven and definitely makes me hungry for some peanut butter and bananas on toast. Push that little sneeze relieving nerve under your nose above your lips? Practical, but not probable because you have a mascara wand in your hand, so it's going to end up smeared somewhere on your face.. plus, you're likely too late to catch that thing anyway. The only answer is to let it blow and clean up the splotchy sneeze aftermath. I still haven't figured out the most elegant way of going about doing so.. hm.

Second issue, humidity and precipitation. It is almost impossible to remain sexy when it is over 50% humidity and your mascara melds into your eyeliner and they both start to take a migratory trip down your cheek bones. Unless you are a super model posing for skimpy lingerie, this look is NOT working for you! As I have already mentioned, I wear waterproof. Mainly because I tend to have some oils in my skin that delight in emerging and taking over my makeup, but also because on those rare monsoon filled nights, I refuse to go the way of the cracked out raccoon. The same scenario plays out when in pools and showers. Here is what I have learned: skip the eyeliner, go for the waterproof mascara, and dammit, don't rub your eyes.

My last issue, bedroom eyes. I think this falls in a similar line with the afore mentioned humidity and precipitation problem. Here's how this plays out: you're with your man, you look sexy, you get tossed around, sweat happens, etc etc. Eventually you stumble to the restroom and WHOA! you look like you just got dragged under the bus. While I'm in the moment, I could care less what I look like, but after the fact I hate that at some point I started going from sexy and put together to horrifyingly messy. This one I haven't come up with any solutions to. I am not one to stop in the heat of the moment to say, "hang on, let me go remove my make up". And something tells me no man really cares if your eyes are a little smudgy.. that's not why he's with you.

Sigh. What women go through for long, luscious, full, thick, plump, voluminous lashes. (o;